I have been considering starting this blog for a while. Felt compelled, even, but something always stops me. Actually, I think it's probably many somethings: fear of being judged, fear of being called names or worse, fear of not being real, fear of hurting someone inadvertently. Perhaps it is one thing stopping me: FEAR. And still I feel compelled. Maybe the compulsion is just to get my thoughts and feelings out, to put them somewhere other than deep in my gut, which can't take much more. But then, why not just journal? Thoughts onto paper from a pen still get out. I think there is something deeper. I don't want to feel so alone in this. I want SOMEONE to identify with what I am thinking, with what I am feeling, and with what I am saying. I want someone to understand. And maybe I can understand for someone else. If there is anyone out there who feels as isolated and helpless in this, then perhaps I can encourage that person while being encouraged myself.
I am a thirty-something married woman without a baby. Without any children, for that matter. My husband and I have been married for over 4 years and stopped using any sort of birth control about a year into our married life. No baby. Never even a hint of a baby, other than the occasional half-second late period that was less of a hint and more of a punch in the face when the period actually came. I think I will go more into our "story" later on, but you get the gist - no baby.
Tonight I was perusing Facebook - which I do entirely too often - and yet another friend announced her pregnancy. Click on "2 New Posts" and WHAM! picture of a sonogram with a caption about welcoming the newest member of the family. To me, Facebook is supposed to be a mindless distraction and a nice way to keep up with friends who I may or may not ever see in-person again. I am discovering, however, that for a baby-less person who wants a baby, Facebook is a minefield. "Oh," you think, "let's see who is frustrated with their job or who posted a funny graphic or whose child just got potty-trained." And then there's yet another post about someone having a baby. And it's only the beginning. Because after the announcement of the pregnancy comes updates about the baby growing and baby showers and doctor's appointments and kicks and things you may never get to experience, things that you are losing hope of ever having.
When I read these things, I AM happy. I am happy that there is new life, happy that people are blessed with babies and children and LIFE. But I cannot stop the sad, or the tears, or the anger. WHY CAN'T IT BE ME? WHAT DID I DO WRONG?
There is no answer, you know. I don't know why it can't be me. I may never know. And I didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes life is harsh. Sometimes it's not how we imagined it. And sometimes we're confronted with the idea that Someone knows better than we do. It's there, staring me in the face. Do I believe it? I hope I do. I think I do. But I am fickle, and doubt creeps in again and again.
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is the tree of life." - Proverbs 13:12