I'm not sure I'll get through this post, but I have fallen back into not talking about things, so I need to try to get this out.
It is possible that I miscarried last month. At Easter, of all times. I have no definitive proof of this. My period started VERY early (almost a week,) and lasted longer than usual with some odd bleeding. Something happened and while I'll never know exactly what it was, the thought that I was pregnant, even if only for about a minute, is terrifying.
At least, today it's terrifying. Sometimes it's awe- and thanks-inspiring. It depends on if it is a glass half empty or a glass half full sort of day. Today I am tired and have been working nonstop and have had very little contact with loved ones, so it is a glass half empty day and it is terrifying.
Terrifying because it means that maybe we can get pregnant, and that maybe I can't carry a baby. That maybe we're dealing with two big issues here instead of one. I've said all along how thankful I am that we just weren't ever getting pregnant, because I didn't think I could handle getting pregnant and losing a baby. Which, honestly, might be part of the reason I am so unwilling to even consider IVF. (Along with a lot of other reasons, of course, but this is one very rooted in emotion.) And it's not good, how I feel. It could be worse. It WOULD be worse if I knew for sure we'd miscarried; it doesn't feel good nonetheless.
Terrifying because maybe I didn't miscarry and my body is doing something else, like early menopause or something that will completely destroy our hopes to have a child. I know this is unlikely, but hey, it's a glass half empty day, so bring on the unlikely!
Now, if this were a glass half full day, I would say that I am so thankful that maybe we CAN get pregnant, that the maybe-miscarriage was just a fluke and J's little guys are in perfect health! That this month or next I'll get that positive pregnancy test we long for (which, incidentally, would also be terrifying, but in a completely different way.) That it is awesome and amazing that we have been blessed with hope, with the opportunity to conceive.
Maybe this is just the way we're supposed to be, J and I. It's just that it is so lonely here. And I'm so tired. In typing that, I realized that I feel lonely for many different reasons, and that I am tired because I have been working like a maniac. So it's not all because we don't have kids - I'd be more tired then! But it's a glass half empty sort of day.